[Petey1016]

i found this on 40k online and thought it was hilarious.

Cited from 40k Online:

SOme of my favs:

40k in Grade School


"No, Ahriman, you can't go to the Library for extra credit. Mr. Vect, stop messing about with that gas tap before you blow us all sky-high, and Thraka, please put Mr. Yarrick down. That's the third time I've had to ask you to stop that. See me after the class."

"Now does anyone know the answer to the question? Anyone else apart from Ulthran? Mr Guilliman, perhaps you can stop scribbling in your notebook and tell us the answer..."

Mr Russ Mr Jonson stop bickering right now or you'll both get detention.

MR.INQUISITOR!!! YOU JUST PURGED THE TRASHCAN!!! it was dirty miss cwaboppoweasker I am just dissapointed in you, the custodian was gonna come in a minute. i couldn't hewp it, miss cwaboppowe...

Typhus, for the last time, there are showers in the locker room for a reason. If you never wash up you're going to get a fungus or something.

Fuegan, turn that bunsen burner down. Everybody else has there's at a reasonable length, why do you always have to have the bigger flame?

Miss Zar, please stop that awful screeching! This is choir class, not the zoo!

Now that you have made the first incision... Good heavens Kharn, what are you doing to that frog?!

Leman, you need to get your hair cut, it's longer than the school dress code allows. Don't you bare your fangs at me, son!

I don't care what you say, Aun'shi, but cheating on the test is not "for the Greater Good."

No, Emperor, you may not go to the bathroom. I swear child, you already practically live in there!

No, Ghazkull, you may not "squash da 'umies." And for the record, it's "squash the humans."

Farsight! Look what you've done now, you've killed the Ethereal? That's time out for you, mister! And no starting splinter colonies while in the corner!

Lucius, What are you doing behind that book? Please put the book on your desk like everyone else!

Angron! Do you want that knife confiscated?!

Mr. Abbadon, Please stop saying that your father could have beat Mr. Calgar's father.

Mephiston, please stop writing your name in blood on your worksheets!

Mr. Coteaz, I told you, no more pets at school!

"Cypher, how many times have I told you, no speeches of redemption during Silent Reading time!"

"Ahriman, stop pestering Russ for answers."

"Kharn put down that-- Good God, Fabius, is that your brother?!?!?!"

"Now Farseer, I'm sure Abbaddon was only joking about the claw..."

Sanguinus you come down here off that ceiling right this instant!

Looks like we're going to have to find a seperate room for you, Mr Ulthran, if you can't stop reading people's minds for the answers.

Mr. Fulgrim! Mr. Lucius!!!! In all my years I have never seen anything.......

EUGH! Mr. THraka, did you just eat your own fecal matter.....? "

"You are late again Mr Vulkan."

"Mr Curze, please sign your name as such, and the Gym teacher will not accept you being away from his class again, you need to get out in the sun like everyone else."

"Mr Luther, you answers arent that good, why can't you be like El'Jonson".

"You! stop looking over his shoulder! Oh, sorry Magnus..."

"Mr Russ, I sall not tell you again, do not howl when you know the answer."

Will all students please note the following rules for exams:

1: all farseers, librarians,Tzeentch followers, or psychics of any kind, are not allowed to use said powers.

2: All eldar, the use of wraithbone armor to ask the spirits of its prior users for answers is forbidden.

3: Bolters are not allowed.

4: Silence is a must, emperors children I am looking at you."

Slaanesh what are you doing in that corner!?!?!?!

Mr. Nurgle if you cant stop burping and ****ing we'll have to put you outside.

Dont listen to Tzeentch children he wont give you his pocket money if you kill each other!!!!

There there Emperor Im sure you'll get a girlfriend one day, if not we still have those cloning tanks? (why the Emperor realy made the Primachs)

Mr Machrimus you always go first let some one else have a go

Mr Straken burning the tyranids does not smell better than breakfast

"Mr Creed, if you and Mr Kell do not stop talking in class I will seperate you both."

"Mr Redmaw, how many times have I told you to shave? No I will not accept that wolfen excuse any more."

"Mr Azrael, I saw you and Mr Ezekiel passing notes, is there anything you want to share?"

"No, snow storms created by Rune Priests are not used when considering snow days... especially in July!"

"Will the Tech Marines and Iron Warriors please stop giving wedgies on fellow class mates, and blaming it on the machine God."

"Mr Ahriman, this is the last time I will tell you to stop bothering Mr Cevak for Help..."

"Mr. Pertaubo, please do not get angry at Mr. Dorn because he has the correct answers."

"Will the Harlequin shadowseers please stop casting veil of tears during roll call."

"Will all Death Guard please note that I will no longer accept any tardy slips, or sick notes from "Big Papa Nurgle"."

"Mr. Stern, stop purging your book, its not possessed by Daemons, now sit down or I'll send you to the principle's office."

Would the Word Bearers and Blood Angel Chaplins please stop bickering, everyone has their own opinion on the imperial creed. *executed by Yarrick*

Morning anouncements:

Band practice has been canceled due to an amplifier blowout, thanks to the concert put on by the Slaanesh Metal band.

Congratulations to the Debate team for another victory; Word Bearers keep that undefeated streak going.

Also the Dodge ball game between the Death Company and the Necrons has been canceled, you both just keep getting back up.

I look forward to seeing all of you at the football game tonight, which we will win by a score of 7-3, thank you farseers for that early report.

One last thing Mr. Abbadon, I want to see you in my office immediately, you will not ruin my Pep Rally with your little 13th crusade of beer drinking and “Picking up Chicks”

Mr. Cypher please come out from underneath the table, the Dark Angels are not out to get you.

Ms.Arienal stop asking the dead for the answers to the test.

Mr.Baharroth how could you possibly be so scared, it's just a field trip to Rhana Dandra

Mr.Asurmen stop bragging that you were the first Exarch, your interupting the test

"When we play dodgeball, I don't want the last two participants to be the Emperor and Horus."

Mr Nightbringer, if i've told you once i've told you a million times, leave that scythe at home! You'll have someones eye out with it!

Well ... thank you for joining use today Mr Abbadon! It's good of you to fit us in your busy schedule! These crusades of yours are not helping your tardiness young man.

Mr Coteaz, Mr Horus is not a heratic, his answer is correct.

Mr. Red Terror what are you doing with Billy and the hot sauce bottle?

Abbadon stop making fun of Horous if I remember correctly you and your crusades have not maded it to Terra now have they?

Can some on please tell me if you have seen Mr Russ he have been absent from calls for the last 10 thousand years or so and if you see him he still owes the school for his school pictures

Ouch Mr. Bile that hurt, what did you hittt me withhhhhhhhh

Horus! You put Sanguinius down right this instant!

Mr. Dorn, Emperor, return to your seats immediatly!

Mr Thrakka what did I tell you about eating grots. Dont do it in class unless you brought enough for everyone!

Mr. Ulthran, if you refuse to stop using your powers to cheat on tests, I'm going to have to seat you next to Mr. Pariah



A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.

"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"

He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).

Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's fly in his beer too! However, when he magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint. "Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect.

"Spit it out, spit it out!!!"




An Eldar, a human, and a Tau are in a bathroom during a peace meeting. After finishing their business, the Eldar walks to the water basin and used a tiny amount to clean his hands. He said "After the fall, Eldar were taught to conserve resources."

The Tau walked up and cleaned himself quite thouroughly and said "I am of the Water sect and am here because I am quite receptive to new ideas and make a good diplomat. For the greater good, I must be sure to be clean and presentable."

The human walked right out saying "My dad taught me not to piss on my hands."






Thou Shalt Not ask a Daemonette about her "Special skills". Even if thou'st a Grey Knight. It is not the correct way to test your "Resistance to the Daemonic".

EDIT: spelling mistakes corrected i think.