looks alot better!
one note though: if you want a land raider, then you *must* buy it as a dedicated transport for your inquisitor! in order to take it as a heavy support choice, you *must* include a grey knight hero! (see the sidebox on pg32)
don't worry though - land raiders even when bought as dedicated transports still count as scoring units
if you still want to tinker abit, i'd drop the sage from the retinue (you don't really need him, and losing him is recomended for scoring unit purposes!)
also, as your tactical squad is mounted in a rhino, i'd lose the rocket launcher too simply because they're going to be moving and thus you won't get as much use out of the heavy weapon
with those pts, you could bump one of the storm trooper squads upto 8 men!
hope this helps,
cheers!