Hitchhikers guide to Games Workshop

[JoeGuardsman]

I don't know if any of you guys are familiar with the format of Hitch-Hikers Guide but you should get the jist. This isn't an encyclopedia of characters from Games Workshop but an amusing commentary through corellary and maybe a little alliteration about GW the corporation. Hopefully you enjoy, there will be more installments soon.

The Emperor
The Emperor is the extra dimensional being that is the controller of all Games Workshop. A beneficent being of unparalleled brilliance and creativity during the early age of humanity, approximately 1980-1994, things would change when the Emperor was mortally wounded in the corporate take over of the 94th millenium. The mortally wounded Emperor could no longer rule over Games Workshop and control was passed down to corporate wolves (see entry GW Fat Cats). The Emperor is lowered to the point where he can only support himself on the souls of children...young children, hence the current GW practice of recruiting.

GW Fat Cats

The most disgusting and entirely useless denizens of Games Workshop are the Fat Cats. Corpulent beings who invest money into a company producing a niche game for a loyal fan base, yet have never played the games themselves. Looking only for high returns on their investments, their only point in an entirely vapid existence is to raise prices and utilize poorly contrived advertizing schemes in a niche magazine that is designed for that niche of gamers.

[Killermoose]

Heh, that was good. I know the 'Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy' well, its great. Lets see some more!

[hairyyahoo]

Warhammer World.

Warhammer World is a a sub-section of Games Workshop HQ, located in the Luton area of England. It is billed by the higher echelons of the company as,

"a wonderfull medieval themed combination of gaming room, retail outlet and restaurant where hobbists can converge to share in the rich tapistry of the warhammer universe."

This is merely very good PR.

It is actually a highly sophisticated laboritory and mind control facility, designed to analyse purchasing trends in a certain demographic, and guide the thinking of impressionable young minds. Unsuspecting hobby enthusiasts populate the cavernous vaults completely unawere that they are, metaphorically speaking, negotiating their way through mazes under the cold uncaring gaze of the red-shirted lab technicians, their every move carefully recorded and errant behaviour gently corrected through conditioning.

The results of the studies conducted in this most insideous of buildings are then thougherly scrutinised by soul-less individuals (dubbed "market researchers") who devine the best posible way to relieve the loyal consumer of their hard earned cash. Summaries are then passed on to a species of profit monger called "games developers" who, subject to approval by the "GW Fat Cats"(see previous entries), will begin to a spin colourful PR campaign(known as background, or "fluff"). Enslaved artists and sculpters ,who are mostly innocent souls that think they are creating a better hobby world, are put to work churning out miniatures that are then painted to inhuman degrees (to better intice consumers), and the gears of the PR department are put into motion.

It at this stage that the distilution of the whole soul-less process is diseminated back to the gaming masses. The primary mechanic of this is the innocently titled "White Dwarf" propaganda release (on sale at most good newsagents). The red-shirted lab tecnicians are then programmed with the neccesary information the company needs to relay to the common gamer, and the conditioning and re-education sessions begin anew.

It is not advisable to enter the doors of Warhammer World if you value your mind and/or soul.

[Killermoose]

I knew GW were up to something! But I feel compelled to go... must resist... must keep hold of cash...

Nice work!

[Stubber]

So that's why the Ireland GW rep wanted us all to go to Warhammer World.

How dare you Martin Morrin...We trusted you!

[r4wr89]

lol England is so far away from me that i don't really feel the pull towards warhammer world. or do i ?

lol
-ant

[JoeGuardsman]

Redshirts
Redshirts are the hardest working of all the denizens of the Games Workshop universe which is inversely proportionate to their wages which range on the levels of slavery. The responsibilities of a Redshirt are estimated to be the equivalent of a single mother of twelve and raising a herd of grox multiplied by a factor equal to the digits that constitute the emperors birthday. These poor souls wander through Hobby Centers and Warhammer World spouting propaganda that has either been enforced upon them by a weekly psycho-induction process or else willingly absorbed as they have given up all hope at a normal life.

[hairyyahoo]

Gamesday & Golden Demon

A public and religious holiday for the denizens of the immaterium, something akin to a battle ground or the trading floor of most stock exchanges. Daemons of all levels flock to the (un)lucky venue of this momentous celebration to shout and scream at each other while standing around tables. Many of the more ravenous daemonic entities converge on the retail stands in a feeding frenzy, leaving only destruction in their wake. Others clamour for the attention of the Powers of the warp, begging to have questions answered or to be granted a token of their deities favour, most often a "signature."

While the common daemons are going about their hellish business, the (Financial) Ruinous Powers are selecting their champions from the multitude of beings hoping to achieve infamy. Their skills are judged over the course of the infernal festival and at the end, one is chosen to wield the mighty Slayer Sword as champion of the gods and instructed to "go forth and show the little-metal-and-plastic-products-of-the-gods in the best possible light, in the hopes that more people will buy them"

See also; Warhammer World.

[Torquemada Coteaz]

RoolzBoyz (or "rulzboyz" and so on)
Avoid asking them rules questions or taking it as "canon".Period.

[Perturabo]

The Slayer Sword
High level religious artefact of the cult of Golden Daemon. The bearers of these items must treated as Avatars of the hallowed being itself and their very words hung upon by thousands of aspiring "hobbyists" everywhere.
The winners of this highly prized artefact are given a "special tour" of warhammer world, during which they are infact brainwashed with more games Workshop propaganda-due to the cost of this retraining it is common for the same individual to win on multiple occasions thus keeping the costs down thus keeping the Fat Cats happy.

‘Eavy Metal
A faceless group of people who paint the “studio� miniatures to an impossibly high standard. This is in fact a hellish machine made in Games Workshops in the industrial Plant known as “Forge World�. By stealing the souls of younger gamers who take the tour at “Warhammer World� and sacrificing them to the "Ruinous Powers" (evidence being the glazed look on the faces and the babble coming from their mouths when they leave) it is able to shrink the slave artists (known as “Servitors�) down to an incredibaly small size known as “Epic Scale� this allows them to gain levels of detail nigh unobtainable by mere mortals when painting miniautures.
Unable to bring these “Servitors� back to real scale Games Workshop Glues them in batches of 5 to small bits of thin plastic and sells them to gamers for them to look after.

[Cagarner]

Legal Team

Within the vast complex known as Warhammer world, there is a place where many dare not enter. This is the an unholy section where the soulless minions, the Lawyer servitors work. Scouring the Internet for any traces of GW intellectual property, they will stop at nothing to purge the data. They give out judgement to unsuspecting gamers, mindlessly following the rules set by their masters (See Fat Cats article).

[hairyyahoo]

Mwaaaaaahaaahaaahhaaa!
just spat my coffee at the computer!
+rep perturabo

[hairyyahoo]

Codex Apocalypse

Having just congratulated themselves on doing a good job of attracting new gamers to the hobby by dumbing down their already simple rules to a degree that even a lobotomised hemp smoking lemming could grasp, the fat cats were shocked to hear an errant voice cry "what about the older gamer? won't they leave and take their money with them?"

After having had this poor unfortunate fool tourtured and executed for saying something to offend thier profit margin the souless rulers of all things GW realised to their further shock that he was, in fact, bang on the money! Older, more experienced gamers were grumbling a lot and heading for the door. In desperation they summoned their minions and began to plot and scheme, eventually coming up with Codex Apocalypse.

Aimed at older, veteran gamers, or VETs (Very Easily Targeted) this new rule set allows a player to use the entirety of their, by now vast, collection of miniatures in one game, whilst at the same time waving huge new shiny model kits that only they could afford under their noses. It promises "huge battles the like of which have never been seen by a gaming table in the entire history of gaming tables", and goes on to offer deals like "Buy 10 Leman Russ tanks for the price of 10!" and "An entire Space Marine battle company for the cost of a single battle company! Act now to avoid disappointment!"

Truely, an insideous masterpiece of evil genious!

[DeAd_cOmMaNdO]

Originally Posted by hairyyahoo

Gamesday & Golden Demon

A public and religious holiday for the denizens of the immaterium, something akin to a battle ground or the trading floor of most stock exchanges. Daemons of all levels flock to the (un)lucky venue of this momentous celebration to shout and scream at each other while standing around tables. Many of the more ravenous daemonic entities converge on the retail stands in a feeding frenzy, leaving only destruction in their wake. Others clamour for the attention of the Powers of the warp, begging to have questions answered or to be granted a token of their deities favour, most often a "signature."

While the common daemons are going about their hellish business, the (Financial) Ruinous Powers are selecting their champions from the multitude of beings hoping to achieve infamy. Their skills are judged over the course of the infernal festival and at the end, one is chosen to wield the mighty Slayer Sword as champion of the gods and instructed to "go forth and show the little-metal-and-plastic-products-of-the-gods in the best possible light, in the hopes that more people will buy them"

See also; Warhammer World.

LOL! great stuff

[Perturabo]

Limited Edition
A term used by GW to increase sales of a certain item, this two words activate the hypnotic programming in every gamers brain (put there by hidden subscript in all GW publications), making them think "I must get one of those (to paint)..no I must get two (one to paint one to keep)... no I must get three of those (one to paint, one to keep and one to sell later on when its valuable)". These figures are not actualy limited in any way as GW keeps producing them till demand dries up.

At this point everyone floods Ebay with their "RARE OOP FIGURE-MUST SEE" only for them all to be bought up for £0.99 (+P&P) by online shops and traders who then stick them back onsale for £35 (+P&P) thus only then does the figure become truly rare as the only people who have them are the traders!

[TheKiller333]

The Till Keeper
Often, these are found at the cash register of the Games Workshop store, the most precious item in the entire area. These are not to be approached unless you are buying a Games Workshop product. Often rather large, they guard the cash, paint, and scenery. Not to be taken lightly. Lately, from 2006 upwards, the Fat Cats have spent their money on the Lord of The Rings sub-section, and the cash registers are now empty.
WARNING: Do not approach without money.
See Also; Redshirts;Fat Cats

[Torquemada Coteaz]

Material-possessions wise, with GW stuff I'm a collector before hobbyist or painter or gamer or anything else.
So Perturabo you're totally right, except that a lot of models are ACTUALLY limited (e.g. WhiteDwarf+Bugman+Gotrek was ACTUALLY limited to 25 per store, and then the mould was smashed to little pieces by GW HQ Staffers with Thunder Hammers)

anyway, that was good, i had a great laugh
+thanks

[Dan296]

Discount:
*Fatal Error*
404 File Not Found
*Fatal Error*









The Thief:
this sad collector of Warhammer products realizes that the Fat Cats have raised prices beyond their means. These same executives have also laced the insides of their boxes and blister packs with a highly addictive gas that all gamers become dependant on after three or more months of playing. the "Thief" will do almost anything to get his fix, including implementing the so called "Five Finger Discount."
as you undoubtedly know the Fat Cats are unable to implement any discount at all. The Redshirts are programmed through sleep-therapy and the offer of a "paycheck" (which they know will be immediatly spent on Warhammer products) to hunt down the "Thief" and eat his soul.
See Also: Fat Cats, Redshirts, Discount

[hairyyahoo]

Originally Posted by Dan296

Discount:
*Fatal Error*
404 File Not Found
*Fatal Error*

hehe...nice one dan

[TheKiller333]

ROFL, certainly, definetely not found. x)
Unfortunately in the bits shop i visit frequently up in Sheffield... well... I come under "Theif". So does Mark. Of course we didnt steal the Chaos Lord that had fallen into the bits box.. uhm... it fell into my pocket! And my shoes (Honestly, he uses his shoes.)