Random 40K jokes

[Guard Master]

(you have probably heard some of these before but Oh well...)

-Things Guardsmen don't want to hear

**Commisar**
-My gun isn't working properly, but how can i be sure*looks at you*
-Guns are for wusses's CHARGE!

**Sergeant**
-Whats a Lictor? Some kind of demonic toungue?
-Whatever a summary execution is the commisar says we can each have one

**General**
-Good news the Space marines are here and the Alpha legion will relieve us shortly
-Necrons! pah lets shoot them
-Stop dying you cowards!!
-Looks like brown pants time......... I mean everythings fine.
-Ha! Planet killer how arrogant do you have to be to call a ship that?


Q.Whats a Bloodthirsters favourite cereal?
A.Khorne Flakes

Q.What do you get if you shoot a lasgun at a Space wolf?
A.A hot dog

When you choke a smurf what colour does he turn??

How many Eldar does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 but only if he took the path of the Lightbulb changer

How many farseers does it take to change a lightbulb
Doesn't matter we'll all be dead in a millenia anyway.

How many guardsmen does it take to change a Lightbulb
200. 1 to change the bulb 199to die trying

How many Tau does it take to change a Lightbulb
2 Earth Caste to change the bulb and 1 Ethereal to make sure the bulb is working for the Greater Good

[Torquemada Coteaz]

How many guardsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, their lasguns work fine

[hairyyahoo]

when a wulfen leaves a present on the carpet should rub his nose in it?

[r4wr89]

"-Whatever a summary execution is the commisar says we can each have one"
lol wow....haha

[DeAd_cOmMaNdO]

ok. brace yourselves. those of a weak persuasion should not read this. dont say i didnt warn you:


There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"

"OK."

[Torquemada Coteaz]

oh.my.god.
yes.
well,
How many words can a word bearer bear if a word bearer could bear words.
If the Slaanesh is the god of you-know-what then how come it's tzeench that has the thousand sons?
a disease a day keeps the imps at bay or death at bay or so they say.

[DeAd_cOmMaNdO]

the slaanesh/tzeench one made me lough out loud and the word bearer one is good pun on the wood chucking joke

[Torquemada Coteaz]

I have to give credit to my friend john for telling me those,
though i'm not sure if he came up with all of them.
more:
how many orks does it take to change a light bulb?
"watza lite balb?"

[Inquisitor Rosenadel]

This is old, but...

How many Inquisitors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one to change it, one ot outlaw it, and one to deny that the lightbulb ever existed.



So a Blood Angel and a Death Guard are lying close to each other on a battlefield, both too weak with fighting and injury to move and kill each other. The Boold Angel says, "I'm angry! You Chaos Marines are trying to tear down the Holy Emperor's rule and kill all who are righteous. And your former leader killed my Primarch!"

The Death says, indignant, "Hey! You're not the only angry one! I'm furious!"

The Blood Angel replies, "Really? What's eating you?"


Good joke: Tau WS.