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11-16-2006
| #1 (permalink) |
| The Omnissiah      Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: UK
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   |  Warhammer 40k Jokes I know this has been done in all the other warhammer forums, but i think we should do one as well. We may even get some new ones. So, Jokes anyone? |
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11-16-2006
| #3 (permalink) |
| The Grammar Cop  Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: the TC personal =][= estate on Encaladus
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__________________ My Site: www.freewebs.com/ejshtuffz All of my stuff are there. Current Projects, etc. General Wargaming Guide: here Picture/Art Blog: here (BT) Asomrof: Crusade Fluff: here Crusaders Fluff: here  (BT) "2k7-2k8 NHL Season" Crusade (i.e. Ottawa Senators) [WIP] http://www.freewebs.com/jason-lastword/index.htm |
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11-20-2006
| #6 (permalink) |
| Trooper  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virgo Supercluster
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| Q. How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to ban all lightbulbs, and one to deny the existance of lightbulbs.
__________________ Any old saying looks more profound when written in italics "Forty thousand what? Forty thousand ways to never meet a girl?" "Never engage Satan in a knife-fight. Those hands do more than just fiddle, you know." Free demos for Dawn of War II on this site! |
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11-20-2006
| #7 (permalink) |
| Trooper  Join Date: Nov 2006
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| How many inquisitors does it take to wash the dishes? Two, one to order the exterminatus on the monstrous bugs crawling over the impure surfaces, and the other to exterminate all who ate off the dishes.
__________________ Lurking in the Shadows of 40k Terra. |
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11-20-2006
| #8 (permalink) |
| Trooper Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virgo Supercluster
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| How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10,006. 4,000 to make up a primary assault brigade, 1,000 to begin a recon mission in all the surrounding areas to eliminate any opposition, 500 to form an armored attack force to spearhead the assault on the lightbulb, 2,500 to establish a perimieter and annihilate any interlopers, 2,000 to come in after the job and cleanse the entire area, and six brave men to go in the house and screw the lightbulb, five of which will die trying.
__________________ Any old saying looks more profound when written in italics "Forty thousand what? Forty thousand ways to never meet a girl?" "Never engage Satan in a knife-fight. Those hands do more than just fiddle, you know." Free demos for Dawn of War II on this site! |
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12-01-2006
| #9 (permalink) |
| Corporal  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Titan
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| To; Lord-Inquisitor Von Grimm, Ordo Hereticus From; Inquisitor Bigotin, Ordo Hereticus Subject; Inquisitorial Purge BD-4992 "The Hogwarts Purge" Transmitted; Inquisitorial Fortress, Bethor VIII Transmitter; Astropath Ginla Receiver; Astropath Wulesh Thought For The Day; Never give into temptation and ask about the black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike. Salutations Lord! I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the blasphemous sect known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated, and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword. Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two-hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments, these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault. We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various self-defence spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we able to press on. We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and bulk (see pict attachments 00-03) upon approaching the castle's main portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures (pict attachments 04-16), gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a small landcar, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent I did not recognise, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beastmaster took a heavy toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beastmaster possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His Forgiveness). We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and mercy for the dying. To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum (pict attachments 17-20). Six tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at each end. I theorised that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilised in these. No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers (see accompanying pict-files 21-25), and they outnumbered us nearly two to one. At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge, but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers. The eldest of the rogue psykers (pict 21), whom I presumed to be the leader, stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke of a man driven insane by the daemonic power which he wielded. He personally addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order for my force to attack. Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget (pict/subject 24) and a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora (pict/subject 25). The older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman (pict/subject 22) and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair (pict/subject 23). The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or otherwise incapicitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying sanctioned and penitent psykers. I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgement at the claws of the Penitent Engine. We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it. Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many of whom surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they would await interrogation and execution. We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the castle, a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the corruption of the Stormtroopers. At the end of the hall stood four figures (picts 26-29), all of them young psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a last-ditch defence, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde, arrogant-looking male (pict/subject 27) was reduced to ashes by my gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male (pict/subject 2 took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a young girl with long, curly brown hair (pict/subject 26) surrendered to us, and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker). The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar on his forehead (pict/subject 29) was monstrously powerful for one so young, and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!" I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake. Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands, ingredients, spellbooks and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics (picts 30-32; note the curious wings that adorn the tiny golden ball in pict 32). All was put to the cleansing flame. Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, I and my staff began the interrogation of the young witches. My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will be with you shortly, my Lord. The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious realm. Your Servant, Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin
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12-21-2006
| #11 (permalink) |
| Conscript  Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Southern,MD
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 | ROFLMFAO i love it hogwarts getting demolished by the inquisition, just made my day 
__________________ Therefore those skilled at the unorthodox are infinite as heaven and earth, inexhasuitible as the great rivers, when they come to an end they begin again, like the days and months;they die and born like the four seasons" http://www.myspace.com/southlandgamers http://groups.myspace.com/southlandgamers The Forces of SLG: -Chaos=: Death Guard, World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Red Corsairs -Dark Angels - Witchhunters/Deamonhunters - Imperial Guard -Necrons - "Nids -Orks -Tau |
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12-21-2006
| #13 (permalink) |
| Extremis Diabolus  Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: in the shadows.
Posts: 1,277
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| Ha. Heretics. I got a good chuckle reading this. Stupid Hogwarts...
__________________   Lord of Fluff and Blood Angels Herald of Nurgle "I wield my power with the Emperor's Authority. Those who would say that I am 'radical' merely have minds too small and impotent to realize all the weapons at their disposal. Do not question my methods on account of these so-called 'Puritans'." -Inquisitor Mathias Rosenadel |
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12-30-2006
| #14 (permalink) |
| Confused and Enraged     Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: South-east Ireland
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| Finally that evil place has got what it deserves.
__________________ Don't complain about that which you can change. Change it yourself or it won't change at all... As for that which is unchangeable. Stop complaining, you're annoying me...  Vote On The Battlefield |
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02-11-2007
| #16 (permalink) |
| Corporal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Titan
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| wow all this praise from the destruction and slavery of a bunch of psykers. maybe i should tell everyone the story of the black and white space marine and his black and white bike; or is it the white and black space marine on his black and white bike?
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02-11-2007
| #17 (permalink) | |
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Whic begs the question... Were a bolt round to the face to meet the roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris.. What would occur? | |
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02-11-2007
| #18 (permalink) |
| Corporal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Titan
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| the infamous round house kick of death meets the destruction of a bolter round? the sheer power of two destructive forces could only result in the firey destruction of the universe. you know when the emperor was about to make the space marines he wanted chuck norris to be the blue prints. when chuck found out he round house kicked the emperor into the throne and shitted the primarchs. the ones that turned bad where then hunted down by chuck norris and round house kicked into the eye of terror. the two that were never found were the first ones to get kicked into nothiness.
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02-12-2007
| #19 (permalink) | |
| Master Procrastinator    Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: As a figment of my own deranged imagination, i don't actually exist anywhere. Or London, UK.
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Blog Entries: 1 | q) how many slaneesh cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? a) just 2, but don't ask me how they got in there.
__________________ Quote:
 Howling At The Moon - A Truescale Space Wolf W.I.P Black Legion W.I.P Frozen Leaves Falling to Cut - eldar W.I.P | |
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02-12-2007
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Trooper  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Stratford-Upon-Avon, UK
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| A Khornate Beserker, An Imperial Guards Man and a Tyranid in the plane The Beserker killed them all. Including the Pilots, and the machine spirit.
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02-12-2007
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Extremis Diabolus Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: in the shadows.
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So a Blood Angel and a Plague Marine are lying near each other on the battlefield, near death. For lack of being able to kill each other, they take up complaining. The Blood Angel starts off with, "I am so angry! My Primarch was brutally killed by sorcerous powers and my blood screams for vengeance! Now I'm about to die and the universe isn't rid of you traitors!" The Plague Marine responds, "Hey! You're not the only angry one in this universe!" The Blood Angel asks, "What's eating you?"
__________________ Lord of Fluff and Blood Angels Herald of Nurgle "I wield my power with the Emperor's Authority. Those who would say that I am 'radical' merely have minds too small and impotent to realize all the weapons at their disposal. Do not question my methods on account of these so-called 'Puritans'." -Inquisitor Mathias Rosenadel | |
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02-12-2007
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Adeptus Arbrites   Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Oregon
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Blog Entries: 1 | How do you sink an Ork submarine? knock on the door What do you call a Lasgun with a laser sight? Twin linked. Haha! Burn in the fires of the Emperors Inquisition stupid Hogwarts!
__________________  My blog of everything wip. Don't  the Killer!Quote:
Last edited by Templar Mikeel; 02-13-2007 at 08:44 PM. | |
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02-13-2007
| #25 (permalink) |
| Trooper  Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Bass Ackwards Niddle of Mowhere
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| How many times must a sorceror of Tzeentch change a lightbulb? Just once... Afterwards it's a fish. What do you get when you give Tau lasguns? Markerlights. When will the Emperor flush the Golden Throne? Who died and made the High Lords boss? During Vandire's reign of blood, who's wheat fields turned red? Khorne flakes: Breakfast of Aspiring Champions... |
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