Help The Emperor With College

[Ikarus]

Its college time... and I need help.. this will PAY OFF IN THE FUTURE. Once I graduate.. oh man... expect an Industrial/Chemical Engineer who will make bank and propel 40kTerra! haha


Then I can meet up with R4wr and we can start the 40k Domination scheme haha.

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UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

Prompt:

Tell us aspects of your life that is not apparent from your academic record (In 650 words or less):

-Character Defining Moment
-Cultural Awareness you've developed
-A Challenge faced
-a personal hardship or barrier overcome

Discuss how your family's experience or culturual history enriched you or presented you with oppurtunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.



Note: While this is an essay, this isn't your traditional Language Arts essay. You are trying to show the college more of yourself, and who you are. So I am not trying to write like Dan Abnett here.


Please help me edit:

-Grammatical errors
-Word Choice
-Feel free to add new suggestions to paragraphs and etc. Altering the sentence structure, order, organization etc.

Things to consider:

-Does my statement SHOW more of myself than simply TELLING?
-Did you learn anything about me personally more after reading this?









PLEASE SCROLL DOWN a few posts TO SEE MY LATEST REVISED VERSION.









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Personal Statement



My parents immigrated here with nothing, and barely had any money to spend unwisely. This was the fact and I hated it because I had to live through the seventeen years of my life without monetary allowance. I would always want things, but I could not have them. However I feared something greater than my momentary wants. I knew that my parents would have trouble paying off my college tuition, and that meant nobody planned my future. For these reasons, I resented my family’s economical situation and always wished that I could be in a different family. It was not until the past few years of my life when I found that I could turn this drawback into an opportunity to succeed and acquire skills I would not be able to otherwise. I simply had to work for what I wanted.

Needing money to supply my personal interests and savings for education, I had to find my first primary source of income. At the age of twelve I found the opportunity to assist my aunt at her restaurant. I helped my aunt and then received some pension for my work. Then the day came when I received my first paycheck. I quickly spent it on games, and clothes which in the end left me broke. I then carefully understood the consequences of my actions, and had to make a decision. The important thing was my future, not the things that were satisfying me temporarily. While this side job was nice, I had to prioritize my life, so I opened up a savings account continued to work for three more years. Then came the point when I decided that work was not enough. I had to think bigger.

Being influenced by the great successes of my Aunt’s business I was then inspired to start my own. Having money saved up in the bank, I had capital to start with. After thorough planning I decided that the best business was a business driven by passion. Having ten years of experience with miniature collecting, I took on my interest and contacted distributors who provided me with the products I needed. Being a minor still, I could not run a physical store, so I resorted to the online business. However, I lacked the skills necessary. There were options out there that would require thousands of dollars, but they were unreasonable. I had to be efficient with my money, so I studied and taught myself by reading books and then I launched a website. I had to get used to the reality that I was my own boss. There was no one there to tell me what to do except myself, so I had to discipline myself to give in 100% to my work. After focusing I was set on track and my business kicked off. I further expanded my store by setting up another, and then I was able to bring this project to my school’s Business club and placed third in state for e-commerce. Overall my store became my financial foundation and I have been able to save up money and support myself since.

I had to make the best of my situation. I was required to be self-reliant and independent which inadvertently taught me how to discipline myself. I took a hold of my situation and made it beneficial, instead of letting it hinder me. I feel my life is different than what it was years ago in a way that is not normally possible. I know that having nothing is no excuse for not making something of yourself.

[r4wr89]

Originally Posted by Ikarus

Its college time... and I need help.. this will PAY OFF IN THE FUTURE. Once I graduate.. oh man... expect an Industrial/Chemical Engineer who will make bank and propel 40kTerra! haha

---------------------------------------------------------


UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

Prompt:

Tell us aspects of your life that is not apparent from your academic record (In 650 words or less):

-Character Defining Moment[/color]
-Cultural Awareness you've developed
-A Challenge faced
-a personal hardship or barrier overcome

Discuss how your family's experience or culturual history enriched you or presented you with oppurtunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.



Note: While this is an essay, this isn't your traditional Language Arts essay. You are trying to show the college more of yourself, and who you are. So I am not trying to write like Dan Abnett here.


Please help me edit:

-Grammatical errors
-Word Choice
-Feel free to add new suggestions to paragraphs and etc. Altering the sentence structure, order, organization etc.

Things to consider:

-Does my statement SHOW more of myself than simply TELLING?
-Did you learn anything about me personally more after reading this?






-------------------------------------------------

Personal Statement



My parents immigrated here with nothing, and barely had any money to spend unwisely. [it might build this sentence up a bit if you included when, and perhaps from where and to where ? unless you don't want to include those, which is perfectly understandable ! :] it might look like "in xxxx, my family moved to america/city from ___ with nothing...etc.] This was the fact [or maybe "our financial situation was difficult]and I hated[resented? sat words FTW! i know you use resent later but a word other than hated might work better.] it because I had to live through the seventeen years of my life without [you can consider cutting money and just saying "allowance"] monetary allowance. [the following sentence could be somehow incorporated into the previous, ex 'i hated it because i was forced to live through....without being able to buy the things i wanted] I would always want things, but I could not have them. However[comma here would help !] I feared something greater than my monentary [typo] wants. I knew that my parents would have trouble paying off my college tuition, ['which meant that nobody..' might flow better] meant nobody planned my future. For these reasons, I resented my family’s economical situation and always wished that I could be in a different family. It was not until the past few years of my life when I found that I could turn this drawback into an opportunity to succeed and acquire skills I would ["not otherwise have had" perhaps ?]. I simply had to work for what I wanted.

Needing money to supply my personal interests and savings for education, I had to find my first primary source of income. At the age of twelve I found the opportunity to assist my aunt at her restaurant , receiving some pension for my work. [cut out "then the day came," it can smooth out the flow here] when I received my first paycheck, [converted to comma] I quickly spent it on games[remove comma] and clothing, which [i removed 'in the end' for flow] left me broke. I then carefully understood [learned ? understood is kind of funky...:P]the consequences of my actions, and had to make a decision [maybe add in something here about the decision you had to make, as the next sentence is about what you decided]. The important thing was my future, not the things that were satisfying me temporarily. While this side job was nice, I had to prioritize my life, so I opened up a savings account [and] continued to work for three [3? i think there's some dumb rule that's like <10, use numerals, >10 use letters] more years. [eventually,] I decided that work was not enough. I had to think bigger.

Being influenced by the [you can remove great, and just say 'success'] success of my Aunt’s business,[add comma] I was [remove then] inspired to start my own. Having [saved money] in the bank, I had capital to start with. After thorough planning I decided that the best business was [one] driven by passion. [having, repetition, consider "using," "employing," or even "utilizing" lol, utilizing is a funny word...haha] ten years of experience with miniature collecting, I took on my interest and contacted distributors who provided me with the products I needed. [maybe "Because i am still a minor"], I could not [add: legally?] run a physical store, so I resorted to the online business. However, I lacked the skills necessary. [consider dropping the following sentence, i think it works okay without it. "There were options out there that would require thousands of dollars, but they were unreasonable."] I had to be efficient with my money, so I studied and taught myself [including what you learned/taught yourself would be a nice addition] by reading books, and then I launched a website. I had to get used ["adjust" is a bit more formal that "get used to," but either works :] ] to the reality that I was my own [employer? more formal]. There was no one [remove: there?]to tell me what to do except myself, so I had to discipline myself to give in 100% to my work. [this next sentence is funky. i can't think of anything to change for it, but it feels funny...hmm. i'll try and think of something.] After focusing I was set on track and my business kicked off. I further expanded my store by setting up another, and [remove then] I was able to bring this project to my school’s Business Club and placed third in state for e-commerce. [The] store [eventually] became my financial foundation and I have been able to [earn?] money [to?] support myself since.

[maybe add "despite my adverse environment," or something along those lines?] I had to make the best of my situation. I was required to be self-reliant and independent,[add comma] which inadvertently taught me how to discipline myself. I took [remove:a] hold of my [financial challenges? situation is repeated] and made it beneficial, instead of letting it hinder me. I feel my life is different than what it was years agosuggestion:[,because i was able to face my challenge and use it to my advantage] [remove the following, it's not as informative as it could be:in a way that is not normally possible. I [learned?] that having nothing is no excuse for not making something of yourself. [maybe add something here about "something of yourself, which is something i intend to employ in the future" or something that shows you'll use what you learned ;]

haha ikarus i've been told i'm a good writer. i don't know how true that is, but i want to see you at school next year so i'll try my best :] haha
good luck buddy ! UWWWWWWWWWWWW


mmhm, best of luck to you :] haha. i edited in my signature maroon, it's all in the quote.

note: watch out for the word "then," which you use often. "then" can sometimes make it like a narrative, which isn't what you are looking for. also, it could be good to include something about the 40kterra forum, as the website you set up. you don't have to go in-depth, but it makes it a little more personal if you include the name of your website :] i'm sorry if some of the comments come out as "cold" or "harsh," i try my best to avoid that, honest ! :]

[lord marcus]

damn, you were too fast R.... anyways good luck ikky. i'm going to try and become a journalist myself, although i am only in 9th grade

[Radeon]

I would help, but I literally just wrote my last college essay (my 8th one) before I read this post. I'm a little burnt out right now, but I'll try and help out later.

[r4wr89]

Originally Posted by Radeon

I would help, but I literally just wrote my last college essay (my 8th one) before I read this post. I'm a little burnt out right now, but I'll try and help out later.

mm well, good luck to both of you ! :]

[Ikarus]

Originally Posted by Radeon

I would help, but I literally just wrote my last college essay (my 8th one) before I read this post. I'm a little burnt out right now, but I'll try and help out later.

THANKS to RAWR

and RAdeon, if you got anything, put it up~

[lord marcus]

I Said Thanks Too.......

[themandalorian]

I'm at school so i can't take a long time to read over this. I'll read more when i get home

Buttt, dunno bout the beginning. Barely had any, i don't know just say didn't have any to spend unwisely. Then that they gave me allowance in hopes you would have fun. Something like that, don't sound so casual and undecided.

[Ion Raptor]

Hey good luck on this, it will mean good things for all of us!

Like was said before. make sure you are a formal as you can possibly be, if you can pick it up and read it aloud to someone like a normal conversation then your not done yet and need to revise it

It needs to be very impersonal while still getting everything needed down on paper

[Luisjoey]

I´m not good at english (not my main languaje)

But i wish you all the good luck Holy emperor of terra 40k!

[themandalorian]

Wow umm i don't think i'm going to post again, till another draft gets up

r4wr89 scares me don't want to attempt after he's had a go

[r4wr89]

haha aww i'm sorry :[ lol
it's just that if everything goes well i'll see him at school next year, so it's pretty exciting haha. 40k all day :]

[Ikarus]

Originally Posted by themandalorian

I'm at school so i can't take a long time to read over this. I'll read more when i get home

Buttt, dunno bout the beginning. Barely had any, i don't know just say didn't have any to spend unwisely. Then that they gave me allowance in hopes you would have fun. Something like that, don't sound so casual and undecided.

Hey good luck on this, it will mean good things for all of us!

Like was said before. make sure you are a formal as you can possibly be, if you can pick it up and read it aloud to someone like a normal conversation then your not done yet and need to revise it

It needs to be very impersonal while still getting everything needed down on paper

Actually, the reason why I did not go for the traditional Language Arts formal style was that I wanted this essay to show my personality more than a formal essay would have. Not too big phrases and words to over say or describe something. More to the point, and talk as I talk.

Because colleges are looking for unique individuals who stand out are they not? Making it a story, narrative, and more informal/personal allows me to shine to the admissions office when they read a ton of generic essays.

just my idea though.

[Ikarus]

R4WR REVISED VERSION~
version 2



My parents immigrated here with nothing, and barely had any money to spend unwisely. This was the fact and I hated it because I had to live through the seventeen years of my life without monetary allowance. I would always want things, but I could not have them. However, I feared something greater than my momentary wants. I knew that my parents would have trouble paying off my college tuition, which meant that nobody planned my future. For these reasons, I resented my family’s economical situation and always wished that I could be in a different family. It was not until the past few years of my life when I found that I could turn this drawback into an opportunity to succeed and acquire skills I would not otherwise have had. I simply had to work for what I wanted.

Needing money to supply my personal interests and savings for education, I had to find my first primary source of income. At the age of twelve I found the opportunity to assist my aunt at her restaurant , receiving some pension for my work. When I received my first paycheck, I quickly spent it on games and clothing, which left me broke. I then carefully learned the consequences of my actions, and had to make a decision. I had to manage my money carefully.. The important thing was my future, not the things that were satisfying me temporarily. While this side job was nice, I had to prioritize my life, so I opened up a savings account , and continued to work for three more years. Eventually, I decided that work was not enough. I had to think bigger.

Being influenced by the success of my Aunt’s business, I was inspired to start my own. Having saved money in the bank, I had capital to start with. After thorough planning I decided that the best business was one driven by passion. Backed up with ten years of experience with miniature collecting, I decided that I should start my own store, and contacted distributors who provided me with the products I needed. Because I am still a minor, I could not legally run a physical store, so I resorted to the online business. However, I lacked the skills necessary. I had to be efficient with my money, so I studied and taught myself how to design, program and manage websites by reading books, and then I launched a website. I had adjust to the reality that I was my own employer. There was no one to tell me what to do except myself, so I had to discipline myself to give in 100% to my work. After I got use to this new job, I was set on track and my business kicked off. I further expanded my store by setting up another website, and I was able to bring this project to my school’s Business Club and placed third in state for e-commerce. The store eventually became my financial foundation and I have been able to earn money to support myself since.

Despite my adverse environment, I had to make the best of my situation. I was required to be self-reliant and independent, which inadvertently taught me how to discipline myself. I took hold of my financial challenges and made it beneficial, instead of letting it hinder me. I feel my life is different than what it was years ago, because I was able to face my challenge and use it to my advantage. I learned that having nothing is no excuse for not making something of yourself.

[i pwn wu]

wow rawr is good!! you should help me too!!! >.<
btw i like you essay ikky!! it makes me want to save my money...^_^

[135th Armenian Rifles]

Wow lots of people from WA on this site, i'm from Monroe and my brother goes to Evergreen State, (yes a hippy school). I'm sorry to say go WSU.

[Ikarus]

Just an update people - I got accepted into UW!

Yep - we are trying to gather a ton of WASHINGTON gamers all around too btw.

[Davidus]

Wooot! congrats Ikky! *balloons, party poppers and beer all around*

[Colonel Marbi Chora]

Congrats Emperor! I hope you do well, and have some kind of awesome party to celebrate or something. I would send a congrats card, but I is in CA.