518th part 3 prologue - 40K Terra

The 518th · 10-19-2006

frag it was cold....corporal jenks of the 185th salvar "chem-dogs" took another gulp of his guard issure caffine, "revolting" he muttered as he continued to down it. Corporal jenks got up from his brew and peered throughthe scope of his sniper rifle, he didnt intend to fire it and give away his tactical and comfortable position, he was jsut curious on what was going on, he saw a thousand ork boyz along with hundreds of vehicles, "odd..." jenks muttered, "greenskins usualy dont use alot of vehicles unless they plan to dig in for a seige or is run by a mek boy" jenks pondered, but the seige was quickly dismissed, this is to small an ork mob, not even orkz are that dim witted. now searching for the mek boss jenks scanned left and right, "again...odd" he muttered, "there doesnt seem to be a boss in this bunch....", jenks considered voxing this in, but decided not to, afterall those ratlings probably saw the same thing, he then lay back in his bed and took a rest.......jenks was wrong

***
"Josef!!!!" a voice yelled from behind him, faust turned to see his good freind captain hill running towards him, excited look in his eye, ensnared in a tight embrace faust could barely breath out the words "nice to see you to hill", captain hill of the 185th savlar was a wiry man, but very strong non the less. commisar seth stepped down from the chimera and looked inquisitively at the 2, "he doesnt act like a officer of a penal legion? fausts stories of bravery and discipline have been told around the chem fires for sometime now, and they point to you being more of a commisar then me!" faust turned to his commisar, "you have to see him in battle. he is like a drill intructor, a real frag head when ur in boot" faust teased "but actualy has a personality when you get to know him.....this wouldnt happen to be because of your prejiduces would it?" half asked faust, "nonsense! i am a commisar of the imperial guard! all guardsmen are equal in my eyes!"
"faust and hill turned to eachother and burst into a fit of laughter which left the commisar baffled. "alright, onto more serious. what is our situation?"
hill immediatly recovered and was dead serious, "we have a small mob of greenskins about a kilometer or so over there, they have a good deal of tanks, so we assume its lead by a mek boy, and hes dug in so we assume siege." there was a pause "we dont know the details because our ratling squads were recently given R&R and we will recieve replacements in about a week or 2, and if anything odd was going on in the ork lines then corperal jenks would have reported it"

***
mad dok grubnatz looked down at his patiant and smiled, "stitchez!" the dok yelled, stitchez the dokz personal orderly hurried into the room holding a tray of assorted 'tools fo the trade', grubnatz had like anyother ork had never liked grots, but he had formed a sort of bond with stitchez which was rare, they had been through many operations together. grubnatz picked up what seemd to be a bonesaw and smiled through his mask "'dis blood god want blood, grubnatz give 'im blood" muttered grubnatz as he continued to saw through the armor of the black templar laying on the slab infront of him, special sedatives conquering the marine boyz imune system, grubnatz had 30 or so subjects and couldnt wait to try out new 'sergerys'

***
wyrd boy nark looked at the slavers whipping there gretchins to put up the pillars faster, he had assembled a mob of orkz even nadreag himself would be proud of, the biggest, shootiest, dakkaest orkz in the planet. nark inspqected the alter in witch he sacrifices would be placed before there skulls were given to the chaos blood god. the wyrd boy had have a vision form the blood god himslef, and was sure gork and mork would be fine with him gettign jsut a little help from them chaos boyz.all he had to do was defend this place until the ritual was complete...didnt look hard.

***
slaver ugmak cracked his whip again but the squigs wouldnt move, "oy! chasa!!!!!" the slaver bellowed, "y..y...yes boss?" cautiously asked the grot chasa, "oy! why aret these gits moving??!?!?" roared ugmak "we need dese tingys in place so da wyrd boy can do da rital!"
"i..i, i will check on it right away jsut no more kicking!"
chasa came back a few minutes later and looked at the ground and kicked a rock, "chasa.....wat iz wrong wit da squigs?....."
"i forgot to feed them" muttered chasa as he stared at the ground "what?"
"i forgot to feed da squigs boss....." said chasa more loudly this time "you did what?!?!?!?!?!?!?" roared ugmak angrily, chasa cringed in terror. but ugmak compsed himself, "so did you bring the food with us you git?"
"no....." admitted chasa, ugmak smiled and grabbed chasa by his shirt and walked off towards the squigs....chasa shall be missed.

***
they had recieved a platoon of ogryns just hours before. "my ogryns will attack within the hour, we will rely on your fire support" said te ogryn bone head, faust couldnt remember his name he was to busy day dreaming, he never liked these meeting.
after the meeting finished the ogryns were geting ready to assault. great hulks of muscle that put even the nobz to shame, the ogryns had come from a barbaric homeworld devoid of any civilized community, though tremendously powerful they were incredibly dim witted, only the msot promising could be given the surgical inhancment to give them near human intelligence, these were refered to as "bone heads". checking there ripper gun loads...actualy the bone heads were loading the for the ogryns, the ogryns stood around and tried to amuse them selfs,faust had lost 5 guys already to these brutes. faust spotted a ripper gun laying on the floor and tried to pick it up, emperor it was heavy! no wonder they called it ogryn proof, normaly ogryns would either crush the guns with there hands or get over zealous in close combat, faut felt a presence behind him "'ey...dats mine!" faust felt a hand the size of a anto tank land mine grab his bionic arm and effortlessly lift him off the ground, he was turned to see the face of an ogryn, yellw teeth bald and scarred head, breathe that made him wish it was a tyranid instead. faust dropped the gun and pulled out his aquilla and said "freind, freind!", the ogryn continued to stare and said "you tuch my tings....." the ogryn stated bluntly, faust had to think for a moment, ogryns could only follow so much gothic before getting fristrated and killing someone, the ogryn reached for one of faust bolt pistols and took it out of its holster, the .75 caliber gun dwarfed by the massive hand, the ogryn crushed it into dust and said "now i tuch your tings" he...it said faust couldnt tell if these things were human or not. the ogryn grunted and picked up his ripper gun and grunted before lumbering away. faust got off lucky...

***
commisar noboysky had to accompany the ogryns on there assault, with him they would attack even if there was only one left. they left the trench and ran towards the enemy position, there was an explosion and noboysky was hurdled in the air, along with the ogryn bone heads, he could slowly feel the life force leaving him.....after taking several minutes to register what happened one of the ogryns final yelled "lets go da oder way!!!!!" and then having to take it in for a few seconds the ogryns started to retreat, the commisar knew warp power when he saw it....these were no normal greenskins, then he saw exaclty what was happening jsut before he died.

Inquisitor Rosenadel · 10-22-2006

Ok, well, this is why good grammar and spelling and all that are important: if I hadn't realized that "hill" was a name, I would be very confused. I would refrain from using numbers unless it's over twenty, becuase then you start getting hyphens, and that can get confusing. I know it's a first draft, but c'mon, man, the "ur", and "a anti", and stuff... this isn't AOL, or ICQ or anything like that. This of this as more like an English paper. Fluff should have some time put into it. Correct grammar and so forth shows that you put effort into it and that it is worth reading.

So, the story seems to be moving along fine, but overall it really needs the work it deserves. The one thing I caught was that even a Bone 'Ead wouldn't be able to talk that well, I don't think... I think they speak more like an Ork would. Try going on the GW website, look up Black Gobbo 76, and go to the rules of Nork Deddog. It gives a fluff passage where he speaks.

The 518th · 10-23-2006

ya after i finished i was like "wait a second...they coudlnt do that".

but being a busy 14 yr old i never got around to fixing my story in any way shape or form..

i have alot to do that i recognize..but jsut not the time to sit and do it.

this is a bone 'ead.
"u want me to charge da tench? we 'ill do it! for da emper!"

this is an ogryn
"......squishy!!!!....."
(not really but thats ok =p)

10-19-2006	#1 (permalink)
The 518th Conscript Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 22 Rep Power: 0 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	518th part 3 prologue frag it was cold....corporal jenks of the 185th salvar "chem-dogs" took another gulp of his guard issure caffine, "revolting" he muttered as he continued to down it. Corporal jenks got up from his brew and peered throughthe scope of his sniper rifle, he didnt intend to fire it and give away his tactical and comfortable position, he was jsut curious on what was going on, he saw a thousand ork boyz along with hundreds of vehicles, "odd..." jenks muttered, "greenskins usualy dont use alot of vehicles unless they plan to dig in for a seige or is run by a mek boy" jenks pondered, but the seige was quickly dismissed, this is to small an ork mob, not even orkz are that dim witted. now searching for the mek boss jenks scanned left and right, "again...odd" he muttered, "there doesnt seem to be a boss in this bunch....", jenks considered voxing this in, but decided not to, afterall those ratlings probably saw the same thing, he then lay back in his bed and took a rest.......jenks was wrong * "Josef!!!!" a voice yelled from behind him, faust turned to see his good freind captain hill running towards him, excited look in his eye, ensnared in a tight embrace faust could barely breath out the words "nice to see you to hill", captain hill of the 185th savlar was a wiry man, but very strong non the less. commisar seth stepped down from the chimera and looked inquisitively at the 2, "he doesnt act like a officer of a penal legion? fausts stories of bravery and discipline have been told around the chem fires for sometime now, and they point to you being more of a commisar then me!" faust turned to his commisar, "you have to see him in battle. he is like a drill intructor, a real frag head when ur in boot" faust teased "but actualy has a personality when you get to know him.....this wouldnt happen to be because of your prejiduces would it?" half asked faust, "nonsense! i am a commisar of the imperial guard! all guardsmen are equal in my eyes!" "faust and hill turned to eachother and burst into a fit of laughter which left the commisar baffled. "alright, onto more serious. what is our situation?" hill immediatly recovered and was dead serious, "we have a small mob of greenskins about a kilometer or so over there, they have a good deal of tanks, so we assume its lead by a mek boy, and hes dug in so we assume siege." there was a pause "we dont know the details because our ratling squads were recently given R&R and we will recieve replacements in about a week or 2, and if anything odd was going on in the ork lines then corperal jenks would have reported it" * mad dok grubnatz looked down at his patiant and smiled, "stitchez!" the dok yelled, stitchez the dokz personal orderly hurried into the room holding a tray of assorted 'tools fo the trade', grubnatz had like anyother ork had never liked grots, but he had formed a sort of bond with stitchez which was rare, they had been through many operations together. grubnatz picked up what seemd to be a bonesaw and smiled through his mask "'dis blood god want blood, grubnatz give 'im blood" muttered grubnatz as he continued to saw through the armor of the black templar laying on the slab infront of him, special sedatives conquering the marine boyz imune system, grubnatz had 30 or so subjects and couldnt wait to try out new 'sergerys' * wyrd boy nark looked at the slavers whipping there gretchins to put up the pillars faster, he had assembled a mob of orkz even nadreag himself would be proud of, the biggest, shootiest, dakkaest orkz in the planet. nark inspqected the alter in witch he sacrifices would be placed before there skulls were given to the chaos blood god. the wyrd boy had have a vision form the blood god himslef, and was sure gork and mork would be fine with him gettign jsut a little help from them chaos boyz.all he had to do was defend this place until the ritual was complete...didnt look hard. * slaver ugmak cracked his whip again but the squigs wouldnt move, "oy! chasa!!!!!" the slaver bellowed, "y..y...yes boss?" cautiously asked the grot chasa, "oy! why aret these gits moving??!?!?" roared ugmak "we need dese tingys in place so da wyrd boy can do da rital!" "i..i, i will check on it right away jsut no more kicking!" chasa came back a few minutes later and looked at the ground and kicked a rock, "chasa.....wat iz wrong wit da squigs?....." "i forgot to feed them" muttered chasa as he stared at the ground "what?" "i forgot to feed da squigs boss....." said chasa more loudly this time "you did what?!?!?!?!?!?!?" roared ugmak angrily, chasa cringed in terror. but ugmak compsed himself, "so did you bring the food with us you git?" "no....." admitted chasa, ugmak smiled and grabbed chasa by his shirt and walked off towards the squigs....chasa shall be missed. * they had recieved a platoon of ogryns just hours before. "my ogryns will attack within the hour, we will rely on your fire support" said te ogryn bone head, faust couldnt remember his name he was to busy day dreaming, he never liked these meeting. after the meeting finished the ogryns were geting ready to assault. great hulks of muscle that put even the nobz to shame, the ogryns had come from a barbaric homeworld devoid of any civilized community, though tremendously powerful they were incredibly dim witted, only the msot promising could be given the surgical inhancment to give them near human intelligence, these were refered to as "bone heads". checking there ripper gun loads...actualy the bone heads were loading the for the ogryns, the ogryns stood around and tried to amuse them selfs,faust had lost 5 guys already to these brutes. faust spotted a ripper gun laying on the floor and tried to pick it up, emperor it was heavy! no wonder they called it ogryn proof, normaly ogryns would either crush the guns with there hands or get over zealous in close combat, faut felt a presence behind him "'ey...dats mine!" faust felt a hand the size of a anto tank land mine grab his bionic arm and effortlessly lift him off the ground, he was turned to see the face of an ogryn, yellw teeth bald and scarred head, breathe that made him wish it was a tyranid instead. faust dropped the gun and pulled out his aquilla and said "freind, freind!", the ogryn continued to stare and said "you tuch my tings....." the ogryn stated bluntly, faust had to think for a moment, ogryns could only follow so much gothic before getting fristrated and killing someone, the ogryn reached for one of faust bolt pistols and took it out of its holster, the .75 caliber gun dwarfed by the massive hand, the ogryn crushed it into dust and said "now i tuch your tings" he...it said faust couldnt tell if these things were human or not. the ogryn grunted and picked up his ripper gun and grunted before lumbering away. faust got off lucky... * commisar noboysky had to accompany the ogryns on there assault, with him they would attack even if there was only one left. they left the trench and ran towards the enemy position, there was an explosion and noboysky was hurdled in the air, along with the ogryn bone heads, he could slowly feel the life force leaving him.....after taking several minutes to register what happened one of the ogryns final yelled "lets go da oder way!!!!!" and then having to take it in for a few seconds the ogryns started to retreat, the commisar knew warp power when he saw it....these were no normal greenskins, then he saw exaclty what was happening jsut before he died.

10-22-2006	#2 (permalink)
Inquisitor Rosenadel Extremis Diabolus Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: in the shadows Posts: 1,277 Rep Power: 4 Thanks: 55 Thanked 24 Times in 21 Posts	Ok, well, this is why good grammar and spelling and all that are important: if I hadn't realized that "hill" was a name, I would be very confused. I would refrain from using numbers unless it's over twenty, becuase then you start getting hyphens, and that can get confusing. I know it's a first draft, but c'mon, man, the "ur", and "a anti", and stuff... this isn't AOL, or ICQ or anything like that. This of this as more like an English paper. Fluff should have some time put into it. Correct grammar and so forth shows that you put effort into it and that it is worth reading. So, the story seems to be moving along fine, but overall it really needs the work it deserves. The one thing I caught was that even a Bone 'Ead wouldn't be able to talk that well, I don't think... I think they speak more like an Ork would. Try going on the GW website, look up Black Gobbo 76, and go to the rules of Nork Deddog. It gives a fluff passage where he speaks. __________________ Lord of Fluff and Blood Angels Herald of Nurgle "I wield my power with the Emperor's Authority. Those who would say that I am 'radical' merely have minds too small and impotent to realize all the weapons at their disposal. Do not question my methods on account of these so-called 'Puritans'." -Inquisitor Mathias Rosenadel Last edited by Inquisitor Rosenadel; 10-22-2006 at 06:48 PM. Reason: more info

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10-23-2006	#3 (permalink)
The 518th Conscript Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 22 Rep Power: 0 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	ya after i finished i was like "wait a second...they coudlnt do that". but being a busy 14 yr old i never got around to fixing my story in any way shape or form.. i have alot to do that i recognize..but jsut not the time to sit and do it. this is a bone 'ead. "u want me to charge da tench? we 'ill do it! for da emper!" this is an ogryn "......squishy!!!!....." (not really but thats ok =p)