the final charge

[lord marcus]

Dark clouds of red hue shadowed the ruins of the bunker complex. They seemed to mock the space marines set against the chaos held ruins, their red, roiling depth bathing the combatants in a red glow, heralding the coming bloodshed.

Captain Maximus roared in fury as he charged, his warriors behind him, the royal swords, were not going to die on some backwater world on the eastern fringe, not by the lackeys of the dark gods, not by the tau, they were not going to die, they were going to live, live and fight for the emperor, but not here, not on this blasted hellscape, this last, crumbling ruin was the last bastion of darkness on this planet, and the spaceport lay just beyond, the shining light docked, awaiting their arrival, thunderhawks could not fly to pick up Maximus and his forces, for fear of getting downed by the flak cannon that rested in the heart of the blasted complex. Its long, daemon infused gun barrels rose up before Maximus, but he showed no fear to this behemoth. Charging straight for the bunker nearest him he unclipped a krak grenade from his belt. Putting his full weight behind the throw, he let the grenade sail through the air, out of his hand towards the wall, releasing the pin with his index finger as he did so. Not even stopping his charge, continuing towards the wall. With a flare of burning wihte light, the sandbag wall was rent asunder under the onslaught. Bolter shells kicked up the hard ground around him, but maximums gave them no heed, giving as much strength as he could to his legs, the energy propelling him through the hole his grenade had made for him.

Maximus sailed through the opening, cannon-balling into the blackness that was a black legionnaire. Unsheathing his power sword marzon, he plunged it into the breastplate of the chaos space marine, his ancestral hatred for chaos in all its forms running through his veins. Hearing bones crack from under him, Maximus rose and vaulted to the chaos marine to his left, not even checking to see if he had actually killed his first opponent. Spraying his foe with rounds from his bolter, Maximus watched as the bolts detonated, causing the marine to spasm under the onslaught and fall to the cerimite of the bunker floor. Darting towards the next chaos worshipper, Maximus slashed left And right, wading into the knot of enemies rushing through the door linking this bunker to the next, slashing left and right, not caring who or what he hit, only seeing red and black before him.

[lord marcus]

anybody, thoughts...anything to add??

[Ion Raptor]

You have a good outline for a story, but it's not a story yet, for instance:

"Captain Maximus roared in fury as he charged, his warriors behind him, the royal swords, were not going to die on some backwater world on the eastern fringe, not by the lackeys of the dark gods, not by the Tau, they were not going to die, they were going to live, live and fight for the Emperor, but not here, not on this blasted hellscape, this last, crumbling ruin was the last bastion of darkness on this planet, and the spaceport lay just beyond, the shining light docked, awaiting their arrival, thunderhawks could not fly to pick up Maximus and his forces, for fear of getting downed by the flak cannon that rested in the heart of the blasted complex"

That's one big run-on sentence and needs to be corrected. I think you're trying too hard at this. Remember, this story can be as long as you want it to be. you don't have to crush everything together. get a piece of paper and rewrite an outline for the story like so:

1. Description of scene

2. Maximus introduction
--a. why are they there?
--b. problem?

3. Charge scene: first bunker
--a. grenade
----1. effect?
--b. charge opening
----1. first kills
------a. marine 1
------b. marine 2

4. Ending


That's what you have so far, expand on this and then fill in the blanks one at a time, slowly expanding the story, then re-read and expand again if you want to.


Chears and good luck!

[lord marcus]

thanks ion, when i write, i write to music, and it;s kinda "spur of the moment" and so not to lose momentum, i go back later and edit, it seems i forgot to this time.

[Templar Mikeel]

Ion has some good advice. You've got some good stuff there, but IMO, you need a bit more. What it could use is a more vivid description of Maximus's charge. For example, take a look at the work of Erus, Rosenadel, or Icarus.
You paint a good picture of the environment itself, but the actions of the character need something more.

[Ion Raptor]

I think later on tonight I'll post up my own short story I did for my creative writing class. When I post it see if you can pick out how I did my own outline and then apply it to yours.