Of Heroes and Dead Men

[Captain Slow]

Edit: i actually enjoyed writeing this, and i know thiers a few gramatical error's etc etc. well, thats just how i write, after all the best things in this word are imperfect. anyway, depending on how the community here greets this i might decied to expand on this at a later date. anyway, enough of my ramblings for one night. heres the fluff for my new army, the Imperial Fists 5th company, Enjoy.

Smoke, dust, the smell of old gun powder, the sounds of gunfire Filtered through his helmet greeted Brother Chaplain Silas as he walked out of his command rhino. the cold blue lenses of his skull shaped helmet surveyed the battlefield before him. The retched ruinous powers had visited this planet many months ago, and it had clearly left its mark on the barren landscape that stretched out before him.
He walked forward a few steps and drew his crozious, he knew every millimetre of its length. It was his weapon, and yet it was so much more. The rest of his command squad disembarked from the rhino in good order spreading out and taking up a defensive formation around the rhino. 50 meters in front was a dishevelled building long since abandoned and left to rot, just like everything else on this emperor forsaken planet. the command squads sergeant Octavius gave short clipped orders through the vox to secure the building and use it as a temporary base of command.

"This is Octavius, fire team Braxton approach and clear that structure 50 meters north west of here. And I want it done in 2 minutes." Voxed Brother sergeant Octavius.

Fire team Braxton, 5 space marines ran off towards the building, weapons raised and senses keen and sharp looking for the slightest give away. After all, the ruinous powers of chaos were subtle in their deception; even a single moment of laxity here could get them all killed. Or worse, they would loose their place in the Chaplains command squad.

Brother Chaplain Silas watched the fire team move off towards the building for a second longer and then turned and walked back into the command rhino. he moved to the front of the vehicle and keyed the Auspex on. 9 green blips appeared on the screen and one slightly larger green blip, the rhino. Silas could see the fire team moving off through the cold blue lenses of his helmet. He reached to the side of the auspex and keyed in a simple set of commands which patched his own suits inter vox system into the rhinos booster.

Brother Braxton brought the fire team to a stop 10 meters in front of the building, he signalled two of his brothers round the back, and the rest were to come with him. one of the marines behind Braxton Holstered his bolt pistol and his chainsword, and from a simple leather strap around his chest brought round a flamer. he keyed the igniter and a small blue flame gouted out the end. Braxton turned and signalled the marine forwards. He walked through the doorway behind the marine with the flamer and brought his own bolter up to cover his brothers. A single gunshot went off in the darkness of the building, and the brother space marine behind Braxton fell to his knees, a large red wet hole where his chest should have been. Braxton raised his bolter up a second later and filed the space where the shot had come from, with accurate bolter fire.
"Contact! Contact. Brother Vaskus is dead"

Braxton pumped several more shots into the space, and then suddenly the entire building became alive with gunfire. The marine in front of Braxton, Brother Tobias sprayed white-hot fire onto the upper floors of the building, then he too was swept off his feet. a bullet round his blown his left arm off cleanly. Tobias yelled and dropped his flamer, and un-holstered his Bolt pistol. two more round came out of the walls, and pulled Brother Tobias off his feet, his torso a bloody mess. Braxton slowly walked backwards his bolter sounding out his death dirge, if he was to die here Braxton decided he would die like a son of Dorn, with his face to the enemy.
Then the wall in front of Braxton crumbled and fell through.
"...Throne alive..." Braxton whispered into his vox

Another space marine stood before him, but not one of his brothers. this marine was almost twisted beyond recognition. Hooves for feet, puss seeping out of its armour joints, and a horrible stench of decay. it was a Traitor marine, a Plague marine of chaos god of Decay nurgle.
The mere sight of it revolted Braxton, and even through his blessed power armours filters were on, he could smell the rank stench that emanated from it. Braxton fired his bolter. he fired his bolter until his clip ran dry.
"TRAITOR MARINES!" He yelled.
The Last sound Braxton heard was the sound of his bolter, chattering his death into the darkness.

Brother Chaplain Silas, did not freeze, he did not hesitate. He had glimpsed at the auspex in the rhino the second the gunfire had started, and now he had solid proof. There were souls to be cleansed on this world.
"This is Brother Chaplin Silas to strike cruiser Rhetoricus contact has been made, you are to proceed with the plan. May the Primarch and the emperor be with us all."
Silas unlinked his power armour from the rhinos systems; he knew what would happen now. in less than 5 minutes the sky would turn red with fire as his brother came to bring the emperors holy light to these treacherous dogs. And he would lead them, but for now, he had more pressing matter.
"Sergeant Octavius" Silas voxed
"for your men up now, and have them ready, we are going to take that building."

Brother Chaplain Silas walked out of the rhino. Today would be a long day, but a day of remembrance, a day when the Fear of the emperor was put back into these treacherous animals.
"Primarch-Progenitor, to your glory and the glory of him on earth! Charge!" Silas Yelled, and he and the remainder of his command squad charged forwards to avenge their brothers.


Well what do you think? bad? Good? or indifferant? any advice is good advice in my book so feel free to tear this apart. ^ ^

[Spartan-11755]

besides a few Grammatically strange errors its really good

"for your men up now

But anyway good Start I wish you luck!

[Captain Slow]

Thanks for the well wishing. the errors i can explain. i type slower than i think. and since i dont neccarily proof read my work (something I REALLY Should do considering my awful spelling) some things do get missed as i go through the spell checker. next time however, no such mistakes. that i can promise, if not, may someone beat me with a stick.

[Petey1016]

Its good want more

[Inquisitor Rosenadel]

A great start! The only thing I would suggest is adding more detail when describing things. Perhaps the Chaplain look sparticularly menacing in his black armour of office. But the plot is there, and that's the most important bit!

[Brother Warchild]

I dont think i could give you any help that hasnt already been said.I enjoyed reading it and thanks for the story.

[TheKiller333]

Very good yes, but more descriptive language! Then you'll be brilliant. =]

[Captain Slow]

Cheers for the input people.
I'll try my best to take everything on board in future projects, as for the description..i know. i know. both parts of this stroy were more or else a kind of "Would'nt it be cool if..." project, if i do anything in the future i intend to do it right. but i doubt ill want to make them much longer than this in terms of story length (not how long the story is, but how much as happened in the story from start to finsih) that way i can see what people think, includeing myself and see if i want to carry on with it.

as for the future, im throwing around a few ideas for anouther section of story, this time however using a nice chunk of description and dreary drab settings. after all, reading about bunnies and sunshine is all good and fun, but the best storys IMHO are were the bad guys are not 2D but 4D and the settings are heavyly laced with atmosphere and that horrible sense of forbodeing as the Read trundels along through the story. almost of a kind of "ITS BEHIND YOU" thing going on.

well, ive said to much. hope that gives you some hints as to where im going next with this.

[Zeb[edee]]

God damnit Dave!
I thought "I'll read it, Fan fiction is normally **** but what the hey" Then got about two words in and went. Holy <censored>! Damn good and aside from a few (several) grammatical mistakes it was awesome. One thing i am dissapointed in is the lack of Red Corsairs =P

Still keep it up and once you fix the grammatical and Spelling errors it will be very good indeed