A Letter to America

[Icarus Athrasuriel]

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words suck as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced with the suffix '-ise'.

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsburg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated 'u' and the elimination if '-ize'.

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above)

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called 'Come-Uppance Day'.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough toe independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are herby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Al intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling ‘gasoline’) – roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you fall French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called ‘crisps.’ Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as ‘beer’. And European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as ‘Lager’. American brands will be referred to as ‘Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine’, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American ‘football’. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it ‘soccer.’ Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American ‘football’, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host and event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.



Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese

[Lord Commander Erus]

Thread is closed pending Admin discussion. Just like the religion thread and 'Say Something' thread were, this one has a chance to be be re-opened. But pending a consensus considering the possible impact on the forums and/or the procedure to deal with any miscreant abusing this thread, this particular thread is closed until further notice..

Note to all users: Inflammatory or 'joking' jabs at another culture are all fine and well, but do not deserve their very own thread and have no place in their own seperate context for the most part. They must strive to be in good taste, etc.. As an edit note: This one has been found to be in good taste, in that odd British humory way.

[Lord Commander Erus]

Thread re-opened.. Though it will be watched veeery carefully.

[Cagarner]

Ha, did not see this thread before when it was closed.

That is fantastic! I am British and so obviously biased. That made me laugh so much though.

lol, Americans playing rugby....

[Wakim]

i laughed at the silly spelling bits

english could be greatly simplified if they take a more slavic approach

*cough*gettingridofalltheexcesslettersinsomanyword s*cough*

[Lord Commander Erus]

Originally Posted by Cagarner

Ha, did not see this thread before when it was closed.

That is fantastic! I am British and so obviously biased. That made me laugh so much though.

lol, Americans playing rugby....

I've played with ym uncle once when he visited from ireland with his family. Not sure how good Irishmen are at an indication, but I loved it, and they decided to stop. I hated American football because of the pads and the 'un-nessecary roughness bit'. As I explained to a ref in high school 'You're SUPPOSED to hit him, aren't you?'

[Templar Mikeel]

Originally Posted by Lord Commander Erus

I've played with ym uncle once when he visited from ireland with his family. Not sure how good Irishmen are at an indication, but I loved it, and they decided to stop. I hated American football because of the pads and the 'un-nessecary roughness bit'. As I explained to a ref in high school 'You're SUPPOSED to hit him, aren't you?'

Lol, what did you do? Clipping, roughing the passer, late hit?

[Wakim]

If we`re already on the subject... why on earth isn`t it called american rugby? since that`s what it is, it`s nothing like football... you only put your foot and the silly 'ball' twice a game (at most) for crying out loud!!

[Stubber]

Even I found this funny.
Being Irish I have a pre-conditioned sense of anathema to most things english (it might have something to do with the 800 years of opression ) but this is some good stuff.

Erus...Irish people in general tend to be good at physical sports, including rugby.
Have you ever seen an senior level inter-county Hurling match?...dangerous stuff...

[Lord Commander Erus]

Originally Posted by Templar Mikeel

Lol, what did you do? Clipping, roughing the passer, late hit?

The quarterback for the rival school and favoured team for state dropped back. I blitzed (linebacker) and creamed him mid letting go of the ball and my buddy grabbed it and ran it back. the hit was called un-nessecary roughness because I hit him, lifted up at the waist and flipped him in the air then kept a hold and dragged him to the ground. The flipping bit was seriously an accident! Though it could have also been when the ****er kick me in the shins I hauled off and kicked his head hard enough his helmet mask popped off.

[Stubber]

That sounds like a scene from The Waterboy.
Looks like Erus had fun that day.

[Lord Commander Erus]

Originally Posted by Stubber

That sounds like a scene from The Waterboy.
Looks like Erus had fun that day.

I did... I think I even have a pic somewhere of me all bloody and bruised in pads. I cracked a rib that day. But I had 4 sacks, tackels in the double digits and a fumble recovery for a TD. Last game though. Going down to concert band practice after school the next week I shattered my foot and there went that past time!

The kids in the neighborhood won't play with me though. I hit too hard, pansys.

[Drax]

i have to say though Erus, no disrespect, but i watched the NFL game that was played at Wembley last week and i was totally lost.

is the whole bring out the tape measure thing just to give the players a chance to catch their breath?

i grew up playing Rugby, and that did hurt when you got hit by a 6' plus 18 year old wider than your garage door!

i know the pads and helmets are only going to help so much in American Football, but you don't have 'em at all in good ol' Ruggers!

[Templar Mikeel]

Originally Posted by Celephus Drax

i have to say though Erus, no disrespect, but i watched the NFL game that was played at Wembley last week and i was totally lost.

is the whole bring out the tape measure thing just to give the players a chance to catch their breath?

i grew up playing Rugby, and that did hurt when you got hit by a 6' plus 18 year old wider than your garage door!

i know the pads and helmets are only going to help so much in American Football, but you don't have 'em at all in good ol' Ruggers!

I'm guessing that you don't know the rules of football then, eh? The tape measure is too see how far it is until the next down. You get a down by advancing the ball 10 yards. You have 4 trys to get a 1st down. If you dont' manage to get a 1st down or a touch down, then the ball changes sides.

[Drax]

i get that now i have watched it, but in rugby, it as blood sweat and tears that gains ground, and you just keep going until you make it to the line.

even with the 'M62 corridor' version, it is a lot less stop/start than NFL is.

don't get me wrong, your version is exiting, but to me that exitement seems to come from the 'razmataz' involved, rather than the constant slogging nature of the Rugby, but then thats what i am used to, were i American, i am sure i would have the opposite view

[Mart007]

The tape measure is too see how far it is until the next down.

The fact that you have to use a tape measure in a game is a ridiculous concept!

hmmm....?


(Though I like Afootball, it is a bit stop start , and the pads seem unesassary!)

[Lord Commander Erus]

Having played both, I can tell you, the starting and stopping is hell. I would rather go full tilt. Right when you get your adrenaline pumping, you gotta stop. And I can assure you, American Players could do Rugby. It's just a matter of how you are conditioned and trained. And the pads? They anger me. Most of the guys playing in the back field at my school agree. Screw the pads.. WE WANT TO HURT PEOPLE.

I can honestly say though, High School and College level of American football is where it's at. The guys aren't worried abotu careeers and money at that point. There's a hunger and thirst to them for glory and getting their name announced. And I can tell you of no greater thrill i've foudn yet than the announcer calling your name, and 25,000 + people cheering it.

[Drax]

Originally Posted by Mart007

The fact that you have to use a tape measure in a game is a ridiculous concept!

bearing in mind the game this forum is dedicated to, i hope this was an attempt at irony

besides, they invented a game they can win at, which is more than can be said for us Brits if we are honest!

[Baron Spikey]

hey! the fact the english side even got into the final was amazing, we beat australia and france which was all i was hoping for- no team has ever successfully defended the world cup so...meh

[Drax]

could have sworn it has been done once.

but then, it isn't just Rugby we lose at though is it?

theres Football, Tennis, Golf...
there must be others, many others.

[Mart007]

@Drax

hmmm